Riding into town with a nasty thirst in my throat, something feels off. It's quiet. A little too quiet. I hitch my horse and look around. Blacksmith's doors are open while he beats metal for something or other on his anvil. The usual affectionate ladies recline in the shade or lean from windows and balconies. Tinny music wafts over the street from the public house.

Why can't I shake this feeling, like an itch between my shoulderblades?

A shabby drunk bumps into me and spins me about. A tumbleweed rolles between him and I.

... a tumbeweed.

... ... That's not a tumbleweed. I realise what it is but as I go to cry a warning everyone else sees it too.

The drunk runs for cover but manages to run into the rear end of my horse before stumbling a few steps and sitting heavily in the dust.

The blacksmith's doors, like so many others, slam shut.
Those locked out climb as high as they can seeking the relative safety of high perches.
One man in desperation runs to the horse drinking trough and upends it over himself.

Soon I am almost alone on the street. My trigger fingers twitch by my holstered weapons as I look around through narrowed eyes. Look around at the closed doors, the drunk and what I had initially mistaken for a tumbleweed, the Calvinball.

The drunk picks himself up off the ground, burping noisily as he does.

"Ugh... oh man... That's the last time I go out for shots before a game down in WGARS..."

Kajin burps noisily once more before making a drunken dash towards the Calvinball.

Six shots roar out fast enough to blur the sound together as the calvinball leaps skyward to pearch on the church steeple. The Man In Black slides a fresh batch of cartridges into his revolver before twirling it back into the gunslinger's holster tied to his leg. The wind causes his duster to flap slightly in the wind.

"Steave. Kajin."

The mans hat tilts in a barely noticable nod.

"balthazar," Kajin hiccups as his view falls on the new arrival. "It's about time ye got here!" *hic* "Now it's time to... to shettle thish!" Kajin takes a drunken step toward the figure clad in black, pointing his finger at balthazar than back at himself. "You..." *hic* "you n' me! The battle that..." Kajin falls to the side, but picks himself back up again. "The battle that wuz always meant to be... C'mon! Fisticuffs, good shir!"

Kajin takes a fighting stance, holding his fists up before him. Without warning, like a blur, he charges toward balthazar. Could this be the legendary drunken fist?! Unfortunately, those gathered will never get to know. Three steps after his charge begins, Kajin falls flat on his face. The sounds of soft snoring can be heard. Kajin is fast asleep.

One of the affectionate ladies strolls out into the battlefield. "Now surely a couple of fine gentlemen such as yourselves wouldn't be fightin' over a silly old girl like me, now would ya?" She gracefully walks up to balthazar in a maliciously sweet manner. "I wouldn't want y'all to get hurt, ya know?" She then swiftly kicks balthazar in the Calvin Balls. "Man," she says, his voice dropping several octaves, "not a lot of mobility in a corset, but look at my waistline! That is stunning right there!" Stan then opens his parasol. "Well, I suppose if no one else wants the Ball..." He begins floating toward the church.

*KABANG*

Steve's parasol is ripped in half by a sudden blast from the Church's porch. Ross peers up as he plummets from the sky, folding the collar of his black leather duster down as he tucks his shotgun under one arm. "Do continue. I'd like to see what you lot are capable of," he says, grinning slightly.

Hmm it seems there was a Steve floating up there having had the same idea as Stan. Doesn't seem o be one of me though. Must just be some random guy called Steve. The good news for everyone except for Stan is that the falling Steve has crashed right into him sending him crashing into a barrel of water.

::A wagon comes slowly lumbering into town from the eastern side. On its side is blazoned "FH'S MIRACLE TONIC! It's good for what ails ya!"::

Well now, this looks like a decent place to make a bit of profit. Nothing like a bit of conflict to bring out the sucke..COUGH.. brave heros of the west.

::FH dismounts and proceeds to set up shop::

Ich hatt' einen Kameraden,
Einen bessern findst du nit.
Die Trommel schlug zum Streite... oh. wait, wrong western front.

schiesse...

*tumbleweeds go rolling past*

This is an awfully dull game of Calvinball.

*sets up a goal*

*Grabs the Calvin Ball, and throws it through the goal*

Touchdown! That's 6 points. I'm winning!

Oh phooey! I just bought this dress, too!
*walks up to Ross and does what maidens do best: hit him over the head with a bottle*
*grabs the Calvin Ball and chucks it over three dapper gentlemen, knocking all of their bowlers off*
Nine points for the hat-trick!

You would have though you'd have gotten some points for that.

Thanks, I did, but then I spent them foolishly on the second-order derivatives market...
But that's okay, I just need to accumulate enough nitrous oxide tanks to cool my ytterbium/fiber laser system, and I'll be back in play...

::deep breath::

LAAAAAADIIIIEEEEESSSS AAAAAAAAAAAAND GEEEENTLEMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!

ALLOW ME IF YOU WILL TO BRING THIS HANDY DANDY TONIC INTO YOUR LIFE! DISTILLED FROM THE ESSENCE OF THE CHAIR THAT BROUGHT ME HERE, IT'LL TURN YOU INTO A COMBATIVE SLATHERING LUNATIC WITH THE ABILITY TO TURN YOUR FOES INTO A PILE OF GOO IN SEEEEEEECOOOOONNNNNNDSSSSSSSS!

::deep breath::

INDEED THIS FINE TONIC WILL ALOW YOU TO LOCATE YOUR ENEMIES EVEN WHEN CONCEALED, EXPRESS YOURSELF PHYSICALLY IN WAYS YOU NEVER IMAGINED, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY BE ABLE TO HOME IN ON ::ducks:: RAPID OBJECTS THAT YOU MAY HOPE TO DODGE OR RESTRAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIINNN!

::deeper breath::

YES THAT'S RIGHT, STEP RIGHT UP! THIS WHIZZ BANG TONIC CAN BE YOURS FOR THE PRICE OF A SINGLE FAVOR, THAT'S RIGHT! MERELY A SMALL PIECE OF YOUR FUTURE TO BE PAID AT A LATER DATE! FOR THIS INFINITESIMAL FEE YOU WILL BE GIVEN ABILITIES USUALLY RESERVED FOR THE GODS! SIGN UP NOW AND RECEIVE TWO DOESES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE FAVOR! THAT'S RIGHT! ONLY ONE FAVOR IN ORDER TO RECEIVE TWO DOSES! SUPPLIES ARE EXTREMELY LIMITED! DON'T YOU WANT TO BE THE FIRST ON YOUR BLOCK TO SAY "I DRANK FROM THE CHAIR?"

::deepest breath::

Side effects include: vomiting out your lungs, general body spasms, instant death, coma, seizures, epilepsy, syphilis, sudden erectile disfunction, parasitic organisms, being controlled by some bizarre overlord, loss of will, loss of inhibition, internal bleeding, assault by feline, bone disappearance, organ disappearance, dyslexia, enormous malignant tumors, brain damage, muscle loss, down syndrome, rheumatism, dehydration, cramping, and tooth decay.

::last breath::

SO TRY OUR TONIC TODAY! AND LEAVE YOUR ENEMIES IN THE PARTICLE WASTE!

You there sir! What's your name‽ Would you be willing to show your strength in proving your worth by taking the dive into this lovely dose of tonic‽ I can guarantee that you'd notice a skip in your step, a dash in your stride, and a fire in your belly!