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 Post subject: Rants
 Post Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 10:01 pm 
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This thread is to hold the rants that I have to write for my English class (and comments from anyone who wants to make them). Since they are by their nature going to be opinionated and sometimes political, I thought I should make this topic here.

Disclaimer: These are rants, not intended to represent reasonable and well-thought-out policy proposals (where applicable).

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 Post Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 11:18 pm 
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Defective Fortune Cookies

What is it with fortune cookies these days? They never have real fortunes in them anymore. For example, today I got one that said "Here we go. Low fat, whole wheat green tea." Then you have your platitude and advice fortune cookies, which offer platitudes and advice, like "The key to happiness is in yourself" and "Save up your money to get yourself that thing you want."

Excuse me? I expect a vaguely-worded prediction - a fortune - to be in my fortune cookie, not random jabs at the health-food industry, tired cliches, or vapidly generic advice.

I mean, what good is a fortune cookie if you can't make it into an off-color joke by tacking "... in bed!" onto the end? No good at all, that's what. And "Here we go. Low fat, whole wheat green tea... in bed!" just doesn't cut it. I demand higher standards from the manufacturers of fortune cookie fortunes.

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 Post Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 11:34 pm 
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I demand to get a fortune cookie that says 'That wasn't chicken.'

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 Post Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 11:55 pm 
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I give that rant a 6/10. It's somewhat indignant, but it's pretty short, and could easily be much more indignant. Show us how angry you are, throw some extra adjectives in... and at this length I expect it to end with "and that's another thing" and launch into something else.

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 Post Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 12:29 am 
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Marauder_Pilot wrote:
I demand to get a fortune cookie that says 'That wasn't chicken.'

I demand to get a fortune cookie that says, "Your pork was turkey." Kashrut sucks when it comes to Chinese food.

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 Post Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 1:37 am 
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WCH wrote:
I give that rant a 6/10. It's somewhat indignant, but it's pretty short, and could easily be much more indignant. Show us how angry you are, throw some extra adjectives in... and at this length I expect it to end with "and that's another thing" and launch into something else.
Yeah, somehow I have trouble mustering up truly rantish levels of anger and indignation on command.

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 Post Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 1:54 am 
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Try getting drunk first, that usually helps... once you start going it's easy to get carried away, which is precisely what you want for an entertaining rant. Just be sure to proof read it once sober.

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 Post Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 2:42 am 
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Crazed123 wrote:
Marauder_Pilot wrote:
I demand to get a fortune cookie that says 'That wasn't chicken.'

I demand to get a fortune cookie that says, "Your pork was turkey." Kashrut sucks when it comes to Chinese food.


I want "Your Vegetarian entree wasn't vegetarian".

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 Post Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 3:09 am 
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And another thing! Why do they even have fortune cookies in Chinese restaurants? They're from Japan! I have had it up to here with Americans who can't tell the difference between China and Japan! Is Miss South Carolina right? Do you not have maps there? Honestly! I am Umbraged. Umbraged, I tell you!

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 Post Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 5:07 am 
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Taurus II wrote:
For example, today I got one that said "Here we go. Low fat, whole wheat green tea." Then you have your platitude and advice fortune cookies, which offer platitudes and advice, like "The key to happiness is in yourself" and "Save up your money to get yourself that thing you want."

I mean, what good is a fortune cookie if you can't make it into an off-color joke by tacking "... in bed!" onto the end? No good at all, that's what.


I have no idea what "Here we go. Low fat, whole wheat green tea," is supposed to mean.

I would like to point out that the generic advice ones are excellent for adding "...in bed!".

"The key to happiness is in yourself... in bed."
"Save up your money to get yourself that thing you want... in bed."

And, yeah, this is more like Seinfeldian observation than real ranting.

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 Post Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 8:06 am 
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If you stuck the phrase, "you know what really grinds my gears," at the beginning, you'd have the joke for an episode of Family Guy. Yes, the joke, not a joke, because they take one joke and BEAT IT TO DEATH. And that's what really grinds my gears.

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 Post Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 8:26 am 
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Kea wrote:
And another thing! Why do they even have fortune cookies in Chinese restaurants? They're from Japan! I have had it up to here with Americans who can't tell the difference between China and Japan! Is Miss South Carolina right? Do you not have maps there? Honestly! I am Umbraged. Umbraged, I tell you!


Thats interesting, I've never actually gotten a fortune cookie from a Japanese restaurant. I had just assumed that it was a Chinese Immigrant thing. Then again most the Chinese restaurants around here do sushi so go figure.

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 Post Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 9:20 am 
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Fortune cookies are, actually, quite American.

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 Post Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 9:57 am 
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Fortune cookies in their present form are American. In China, they are marketed as "American fortune cookies". But according to recent research, the predecessor of the fortune cookie - a larger, thicker, savory miso cookie - is originally from Japan. They wormed their way into American Chinese cuisine because a lot of Japanese immigrants used to run Chinese restaurants, raw fish and pickles not being very marketable in the 1930s. When Japanese people were rounded up and stuffed in internment camps during World War II, Chinese people took over the restaurants, including the fortune cookies.

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 Post Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 7:16 pm 
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and you learn something new every day. Yay! Go Kea.

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