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 Post subject: Posted a screenplay.
 Post Posted: Thu Jun 20, 2013 10:14 pm 
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Hey all. I posted a screenplay here https://www.stage32.com/profile/16741/S ... king-title

Please if you could, take a minute or two and have a read. It is only two pages long. Give me some feedback. It's the first one I have written and I had no guidance so please bear that in mind. Thanks

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 Post subject: Re: Posted a screenplay.
 Post Posted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 12:07 am 
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In the first scene there is a lot of explanation about the service and screening which doesn't seem relevant. If it is going to be later that's cool but if not you might want to think about losing some of it.

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 Post subject: Re: Posted a screenplay.
 Post Posted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 10:35 am 
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It becomes relevant at the outset of the second episode.

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 Post subject: Re: Posted a screenplay.
 Post Posted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 10:37 am 
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It looks like you have the formatting pretty much down.

A couple small things, structure wise. When you use someone's name outside of dialog, the convention is to put it in all caps. The first time you show a character or setting onscreen you should put a brief visual description. On the other hand, you shouldn't include any narrative description such as "Bob is recording his first video blog" because if it isn't rendered onscreen it will never reach the viewer.

Also, you should get rid of the parenthesis around names and the blank for age. You should fill that all in --if they cast someone different, they'll make the changes --same goes for the physical description.

Quote:
FADE IN:
INT. BEDROOM - AFTERNOON

A typical suburban bedroom. The bed is neatly made, and posters for 1980's SF movies cover the walls. BOB, white, 20, slightly overweight, glasses, wearing a plaid shirt, is waving to the camera.

BOB
Uh... Hi, my name is Bob... uh...
welcome to my video blog... I suppose
I should tell you about myself and
what I am doing here. I am 20 years
old. I've never really been out on
a date. The problem is I really do
not know how to talk to women. uh...
so my friend Chris, he's the guy
with the camera, say hi Chris..

CHRIS
(off-camera)
Hi.

In terms of content, the second page is pretty strong. I agree with Steave that the first page has a lot of exposition that we don't really need. Film time is expensive, you don't want to put anything in that doesn't serve the story. All we really need to know at this point is blind date + hidden surveillance. If you need the other info later, there's probably a less talky way to slip it in.

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 Post subject: Re: Posted a screenplay.
 Post Posted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 11:01 am 
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The parentheses were there simply for my purpose because I wasn't sure on the character names, yet.

Also some of the exposition is there to expose Bob's naivety to the process. As well as stated previously, it has some bearing on the outset of the second episode.

I held off on descriptions because I had specific people in mind for the two male parts and any girl could fit the girl part, but I may add descriptions now that those people are 800 miles away.

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 Post subject: Re: Posted a screenplay.
 Post Posted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 11:13 am 
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One thing you might try is to plan out the whole opening monologue around your anticipated story arc. You can then edit a bit of his "introduction" as a sort of prologue to each episode (with just enough overlap that it's obviously all part of the same video), giving just a bit more information each time. If we don't need to know about the screening process until episode 3, save that stuff for the intro to that episode (except maybe one line of foreshadowing).

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 Post subject: Re: Posted a screenplay.
 Post Posted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 11:23 am 
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I am trying to use the monologue to foreshadow a bit what is to come in the episode.

(thanks so far, very constructive.)

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 Post subject: Re: Posted a screenplay.
 Post Posted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 4:32 pm 
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Jorodryn wrote:
The parentheses were there simply for my purpose because I wasn't sure on the character names, yet.

Also some of the exposition is there to expose Bob's naivety to the process. As well as stated previously, it has some bearing on the outset of the second episode.

I held off on descriptions because I had specific people in mind for the two male parts and any girl could fit the girl part, but I may add descriptions now that those people are 800 miles away.


I get the fact that the details are subject to change, but I would encourage you to pick something for now, and edit later if necessary.

The concept is that the screenplay should be a stand-alone document, independent of the actual decisions made in the production process. There is a movie in your mind, and the screenplay records that on the page. Whatever happens in production, including casting, isn't your concern right now. It's okay to base the character on a specific actor, but that's a writing decision, not a production decision.

It sounds like you'll probably be wearing all the different hats on this production, but in terms of the formal requirements of a real screenplay, it should give enough information that a casting director and a set designer would be able to realize your vision with reasonable fidelity just from what you've written, even without having a conversation with you. Or, to put it another way, a movie should play in the mind of the reader of the screenplay, and it should look basically like the one in your mind --and that can't happen without descriptions.

As far as the exposition question, it's an often repeated truism that movies are a visual artform, and therefore you should "show-not-tell" whenever possible. It might be a good creative exercise to try to show Bob's naivete visually --maybe in what he wears, or in what his room looks like, or even in his facial expressions. I don't know if you ever saw the movie "Napoleon Dynamite", but it does a great job at creating some very specific and individual characters just with the visuals alone.

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 Post subject: Re: Posted a screenplay.
 Post Posted: Wed Sep 04, 2013 9:58 am 
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So --what happened with this?

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 Post subject: Re: Posted a screenplay.
 Post Posted: Wed Sep 04, 2013 4:43 pm 
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Still working on the second episode. I am trying to figure out how to go about meeting the next girl. Nothing seems right when I put it down in words. (I may be over think it.)

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